It feels like it all began back in Australia. I met Andy, a Scottish GP....who eventually left his wife for me when I was 18. He was 38. We had an amazing time, vacationing for two weeks along the Great Ocean Road, lived in several different places together and eventually settled down. I started school in a nearby town. Most ppl would probably guess sex was all we had in common. However Andy and I def connected on some deeper levels. My 'perfect relationship' ended pretty much all of a sudden for me. I went back to America for a week to see my family (whom I had grown away from since my parents divorce when I was 15). I recieved an email saying he had been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and could not recapture the magic that started our relationship...during his manic phase. I was devastated. I hopped back on the plane after being in the states for six hours and basically begged, cried, and said please think about this.....we can surely fix what once was so perfect. There was no fixing it......and we would just continue to do more damage to each other. I loved him deeply, agreed to meet as friends once a month or so (for an overnight and sex). Maybe he just agreed for the sex. However, I just wanted to be with the person I loved dearly.
Soon the lithium took it's toll on Andy, he became very depressed. Eventually he ended up in a mental hospital and I ended up doing whatever I had to survive (I was not going back home!) and put myself in some very dangerous situations. Eventually...I did have to go home. I cried for months, moved to Nevada and worked in another 'not so great enviroment' but it was a distraction from everything I had been through.
My life spiraled from that.....going from one adult oriented job to another. In the meantime, I met someone Tori.....whom I felt I could love again. Except this was a woman. We spoke everyday and everything and anything. We agreed to go to NYC together for my birthday. However, that was never to happen. I learned later she was deciding between me and another woman. The other woman 'won'. I held onto Tori, for years....even now. We met almost a year ago in person. It was perfect for me, she was perfect in my eyes. It may have been nearly four years later, with an occassional text or phone chat, but I always loved her. We continued secret meetings while she was with this other woman. She would tell me how terrible her relationship was, how much and how easy it was to love me. The last time I saw her, she picked a date, before Christmas......and said I would be there with her. We'd be together. Well, over a wk before Christmas she told me she just couldn't do it. She gave me lots of different reasons why. However, basically....she couldn't ask the woman she said she didn't love to leave.
I ran away to England for the holidays......during those four years, waiting for Tori, I had met Anne....an English woman. We had a relationship for several years. However, our temperments worked against us. I am quite, calm and easy going where she is abrupt, with quite a nasty temper. It was simply not a good match.
However, now I'm sitting here in England....with a ticket to go back to USA in a few weeks. No idea what I'm going to do. Thought I had a chance to go to Australia....but that doesn't seem to be a possibility. There have been so many let downs and lies from Tori.....if I can't be with her and love her......I have to be able to let go and heal.......I just don't know how. I don't fall in love easily and it took so long to get over Andy and Tori the first time around, I don't want another four years of being miserable.
Also, a note of interest.......I started having severe panic attacks at 23 (I'll be 27 in April). It has been severe enough that I have refused to leave the house for weeks, gone to a mental hospital.....where I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, and PTSD from things that happened in Australia.
I have no idea what I'm going to do, how I'm going to pull myself up.......but I've got to!
